Random Cartoon Screenshot Thursday

The Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon. Hey, it's really perfect!

When Red Riding Hood Thinks She's The Woodcutter

DC is a very prissy town. City self-image aside, most of the girls here are quite proper, demanding a respectable amount of effort to get them in the sack, where they behave in ways their grandmothers would hardly disapprove of. Despite this, many women like to make themselves feel better by imagining themselves to be dirty, as it adds fantasy to their otherwise orthodox lives. To those who have been around real skanks, this makes DC women seem childish, naive and inexperienced. To demonstrate this, I present the following comparison between the girl who merely thinks herself Naughty, versus the gutter filth of the genuinely Nasty.

• Naughty: Has a boyfriend back home.
• Nasty: Fianceé downstairs playing the slots.

• Naughty: Scratches.
• Nasty: Chokes.
  

• Naughty: Doesn't bother taking off all her clothes before sex.
• Nasty: Doesn't bother leaving the dance floor.

• Naughty: Has slept with at least one guy her best friend has also slept with.
• Nasty: Traded partners halfway through the night, with high-fives involved.

• Naughty: Has slept with an older man solely because of his wealth and power.
• Nasty: Has slept with an older man because he could get her cigarettes.

• Naughty: Has been romanced and seduced by a visitor from a foreign land.
• Nasty: No common language whatsoever, and man stinks of chemicals and fish. Seduction lasted two hours.

• Naughty: Talks dirty. Breathes heavy, squeals at appropriate times.
• Nasty: Is dirty. Grunts and snarls while rutting like a beast in heat.

• Naughty: Has left the club and gone to a hotel room with a strange man.
• Nasty: Has left the club and gone to a hotel room with five other girls and seven strange men, including three Marines.

• Naughty: Had sex in high school, and made no secret of it.
• Nasty: Slept with her freshman history teacher. Made no secret of it.

• Naughty: During sex, will play with herself to hasten orgasm.
• Nasty: During sex, attempts to put a vibrator up your ass, without warning.

• Naughty: Has had a one night stand with a man whose name she didn't remember.
• Nasty: Vaguely remembers his buddies filming it, but is fairly sure none of them know her husband.

• Naughty: Hooks up while on her period.
• Nasty: Leaves the tampon in.

And endless deviations, culled from personal experience. Pretending to be a bad girl when you're not puts you in the same category as the 14-year old trollops at the mall, trying to have their mothers help them figure out how to be sexy. As always, trying not to be someone else is the best way to avoid looking foolish.

Cosmetic Honesty

Women who die their hair are compulsive liars.

While non-fruitcake men have always eschewed masking their appearance with chemicals and unguents, women have been doing it for ages. This is because women think it not only acceptable but expected for them to mislead men about their appearance. While foot-binding and girdles are passé, women still dollop their faces with makeup before going to the club, the office, the grocery mart. But with the exception of Tammy Faye-style caking, makeup is a mere fib. At worst it makes a girl look like a painted whore, at best it accentuated pleasant features the girl already has. Neither case is a great deviation from the truth. Most of the time it just covers up bad skin. Men are surprisingly inattentive to makeup anyway, which makes the fact that before leaving the house most women do the same routine as Ronald McDonald does all that much siller.

Hair dying is another matter. At this point the woman is actively attempting to falsify her appearance. A man who likes blondes may find out his object of attraction is a brunette only after she has bedded him. This doesn't sound serious, but it is; it is actively lying in the course of seduction. A woman would not appreciate the man giving a fake club name, lying about his age, his status of employment, whether he is single. This is even more ridiculous considering today's trends of girls dying their hair several different colors at once. The man has no idea which one is genuine, and is left to wonder why girls think it is attractive to look like Cindi Lauper.

When a woman who lies to you about her hair color says she's unmarried, clean, and on the pill, wonder what else she's not being so honest about.

La Saison De Vélocité For The Discriminating Squid

It's one of my favorite times of year. No, it's not due to being able to see the local sports team participate in that event against their regional rival, or because the interns are out in force, or anything so trite. It's not even because my favorite holiday of the year is only a month off. No, it's new model announcing season, and this year, the big Four are coming big.

Yamaha was first out of the gate, but their updates are minor, so far. Yams remain the bike to ride if you want to pick up easy girls with it, as they drench the road in sexy just standing still. That is, assuming you're too self-respecting for a Harley, and can't afford a Ducati.

Next was a big swing by Kawasaki. Now I'm a big Big Green fan, being a Kwak rider myself, and every year I tire of them sucking ass in Superbike and hope they'll come out with the bike that will blow the doors off of everyone else. Well, this year, I dunno. On the one hand, the new ZX-10R looks to be, as usual, suicidally fast. On the other hand, the front end looks stolen from a Buell Firebolt and the can screams for More Cowbell. They festooned my precious Z with this silliness, why the open-classer? And they've done away with the 'tribal' color scheme, which means that again the best color for the Ninja is jet black.

The bike to beat, racing-wise at least, is the GSX-R. And Suzuki made some pretty sweeping changes here, too, ditching the stacked headlights for the first time since '95. On the one hand, the new face now looks even more like the Chinese dragons that GSX-R-riding hoons have tattooed on their backs. On the other, it now looks very much like a Triumph Sprint ST. What is it with the stolen fascia? Regardless, this bike is one seriously, seriously hot ride. It helps that Suzuki actually paints their bikes, well, different colors, instead of one color and matte black. I like the orange best.

Last of the big names, Honda came out with all new plastic as well. In it's favor, it has by far and large the best exhaust of the bunch, not counting the Yam's obsolete underseats. But anyone who can afford the insurance on these things is going to get an aftermarket can anyway. And the front end? Some have claimed it rips off the Duc 1098. I don't see it. I'm sure it's very aerodynamic, but, somehow, it looks smooshed, almost retarded. Maybe it'll be better in person. But compared to Honda's stunning concepts, or even last year's bikes, it fails it.

Do these bikes go faster or turn tighter than last year's model? Who cares? If you're on the street you can reach felony-level speeds on any stretch of pavement out there without shifting out of first gear. You don't even need this kind of ride to do it; my bike, which was a parts-bin special since the day it came out, will beat any Porsche to 60 and will gladly accelerate beyond speeds at which air resistance would tear me bodily from the cockpit. This is about looking good while stunting like your father. Which is why I give respect to BMW, who has fully embraced the single-sided swingarm, the key ingredient to pure, undiluted sex on wheels.

Do I want any of these rides, then? Nope. Sure, the GSX-R's nice. But I know what I'm waiting for.